joke and hope.

Did you hear about the circus fire? ........... it was intense! (in-tents).

Haha this joke doesn't work when you type it. I wanted to write a joke and this is the only one I can think of. More to come later, but for now thought of the day....

"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."

- Ether 12:4 (Book of Mormon)

About us. (a little reminder.)

It is funny how we can take advise from ourselves as time goes on. We all hope to continue moving forward and progress during life, but sometimes it gets slippery, the trail gets hard to follow, or we simply run into a wall. And that can make us fall back. I've never been one to keep a journal. I admire all those who do, but I haven't been able to make it a habit. I end up writing when I am having a hard time, so if anyone found my journals they would think me a very depressed girl who liked to pep talk herself. I am usually very happy actually, but I sadly don't write about much else ;) I have heard that it is important to write down spiritual experiences or things you are learning because they can help you down the road. I wasn't much of a believer before. Now I am.

The following was written while I was in mongolia, I think I wrote it on a day that I had to stay home sick. I am in no way bragging at all, I was struggling a lot at the time so this was written as another pep talk. One of my friends in mongolia was an american who had also gotten sick and had needed surgery while on a mission. I was talking to her and she started telling me about faith, how God loves us and is there to help, etc, but then she stopped, hit me on the shoulder and said "you know all this! you just need to remember it." So this is to all of us who know this, and just need a little reminding. (including me.)

December 16th.

There is a quiet confidence that you are never alone. There is a grand plan in action with God Himself as the director. We don't know the whole story as it is only revealed in pieces, but that is okay. And we don't know how it ends because we probably can't even comprehend how wonderful it is anyways. There is definitely peace that comes from knowing the ending is too good to be true, but is true ;) And so each day we try a little harder. We see our faults and mistakes and desire to repent instantly. We love people more unconditionally, and desire to wrap everyone around us in the love that we feel. We despise evil and flee from it. We are aware of our own limitations and weaknesses but are not discouraged by them. They are necessary, and give us the chance to call upon the powers of heaven, and see God's hand in our lives. A desire to help others becomes a part of our very being, and we act on those desires. We do not fear, we do not complain, and we rejoice all along the journey because even hardships are seen as blessings when we know God is shaping and leading our lives, and is always right beside us. We are eager to learn anything that is virtuous, lovely, of good report, etc because we know the end goal is perfection, and we have a lot to learn before we even come close. We wear a smile because we know death is not the end, that we can be forgiven of our sins and mistakes, and that God is our Heavenly Father who loves us, misses us, and has given us our older brother to show us the way home. There are always many reasons to rejoice, no matter how hard the current circumstances, when these beliefs become more than beliefs, and truly become a knowledge that becomes an anchor for our souls. We know God lives and He loves, so we trust and are not afraid. That is who we are, and what we become when we seek to follow Christ.

Bad dream.

My goal is to be able to start writing without needing to say that I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed that I don't have much positive to say about this past week, and it is my fault. Things health wise are getting worse, I spent some time in the ER and after seeing a neurologist doctors think I have some kind of long lasting virus, not fibromyalgia. It is a mystery virus, so the plan is to try and get me to one of the MAYO clinics where there are more specialists. But for now longer lasting pain meds, a free month trial of netflix, and a determination to pray and study the scriptures more should help ;).

I had a funny dream today (some impressive nausea kept me from church, and the nausea medication kept me asleep). For the past few months I have been a bit sad to wake up because I was healthy and in mongolia, but not this time. It was a really realistic dream, I was back at school with roommates and I was really really frustrated and upset. As the days went on, I couldn't get happy, and I was mad at life. Other than being able to shrink my car and fit it in my backpack, it was a really realistic dream and such strong negative emotions, (at least that long lasting,) were new to me. And then hallelujah, I woke up!

Although we can't control all situations, we do have control over if we are happy or not thanks to the help that is available. I hope to be able to write soon and say that I am very very happy, and enjoying life :)

These things are on my to-do list...

- Talk to my Father. (Better sincere prayer every morning).

- Serve someone. (A simple note to a friend, make a gift, etc.)

- Be more kind to and appreciative of my family. (I am not used to being the recipient of service, and I can accept it more graciously.)

- Do something productive. (No matter how small. Learn a few more guitar cords, or paint a picture.)

- Count my blessings. (And don't forget them.)

- Read good books. (The best are the scriptures.)

- Learn how to shrink a car, and put it in a bag. (Just kidding.)

Hope everyone's week was great!!

Lessons Learned.

I am embarrassed to admit that I hit a low point this week, and felt pretty sorry for myself. Several of the past evenings it has felt like someone had mistaken my spine for their wet laundry and they were trying to wring it out, while both sides of my ribs felt like used punching bags, and my sternum and chest felt broken. I couldn't lay down or even lean against anything because of the pain, my muscles were cramping and twitching, and the pain medication wasn't helping like it usually does. My doctor noticed some unusual neurological symptoms and took me off of the medication that has been calming down my nerve's pain response until we could have a neurologist see me. I didn't think the medicine was helping much but now that I am off of it, I can tell it was. My pain receptors seem to be throwing quite the parties to make up for the for all the time they were blocked ;). So, I learned several things from this!

1 - Family support is so important.

My mom read to me this week like I was a little girl again. My brother set up movies on a bed to help distract me. My Dad prayed with me and blessed me. And my sister decided to do her school research paper on fibro myalgia so we can understand it better, and she has started listing all the treatments that have helped others for me to try. These things snapped me out of being sorry for myself, and instead made me realize how incredibly blessed and lucky I am. I am so incredibly grateful for my family.

2- Experience helps us empathize and increases our ability to serve.

I knew that a lot of people in this world suffer, but I had never experienced much suffering so I could only guess at what it would be like. This little sickness I have is nothing compared to what other people suffer from, but in a way I am grateful for this experience because of the new "eyes" it is giving me. I am studying to become a recreational therapist and we help all kinds of suffering people improve their quality of life. I hope I now will be able to sympathize with them a bit more, and be able to treat them a bit better. I also can see how important it was that Christ experienced all we do through the atonement. He can empathize perfectly, and is the most able to help and understand us.

3- When no other relief is available, Christ becomes essential.

I have seen how Christ and His gospel has added incredibly to my life up to this point, but for the first time I realized that without my knowledge of Him, I would go crazy. Literally. I wouldn't be able to put up with this, or see any purpose in life. I don't know how people who haven't felt His love get out of bed in the morning. And it made me want to share what I know all the more.

4 - So many have it so much harder than I do.

This is a short clip about one of those people. I first saw it on our church website, and this woman is a great example to me! If you have 8 minutes to spare, it is worth watching ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHDvxPjsm8E&feature=player_embedded

A Poem. (not written by a poet.)

I am not a poet. In fact the only time I remember trying to write poetry was when it was for a 5th grade project, and we needed to make our own poetry books. I thought it was a very difficult assignment ;) But I was looking through a study journal I used in Mongolia today and I found this poem I had written a night or two before I flew to Hong Kong. Our mission president had asked us to study consecration and sanctification and so much was going through my mind as the possibility of my mission coming to an early close was becoming more of a reality. In those late last hours in Mongolia, these words came to my mind. I think the Lord was and is still trying to teach me.

I am still realizing what it really means to be in the Master's hands, and to surrender all to Him. I have taken some pottery and sculpting classes and I love the messy clay covered rooms, if you have ever worked with clay you can probably picture a room or studio covered with lumps of clay similar to the poem below. ;) I am still not sure what this poem should be called.

A master in his studio looks out at his supplies,

There is clay a plenty to fulfill his grand design.

He picks up a piece of clay and attempts to start,

But is interrupted by a cry, “Hey I’m not your piece of art!”

This clay is hardened, cracked and cold, shapeless and ugly too,

Then the master kindly explains “I have great plans for you.”

“If you will let me sculpt you, and will be moldable in my hands,

I shall make you beautiful. If you could only see my plan.”

But the stubborn clay refuses and remains cracked and dry,

“I can not shape or mould you” the master softly cries.

“You have become too hardened and refuse to follow my will.”

He placed it on the table, it remains cold and shapeless still.

He moves on and starts working and things are going fine,

This clay is soft and allows the master to shape his design.

It comes time to remove little pieces, unwanted clay from here and there,

But once again the master stops as a voice fills the air.

“Haven’t I been shaped enough? You’ve improved me with your hands,

Now don’t pick or take anymore, this is where the sculpting ends.”

The master sighs and thinks “If only they knew,”

And then he kindly explains “I have great plans for you.”

“If you will let me sculpt you, and will hold nothing back,

I shall make you beautiful, in nothing will you lack.”

But try as the master might the clay refused to give

The pieces that obstructed the beauty hid within.

Then a voice called across the room, “Master, use me.”

“I am of no worth here on my own, I will follow thee.”

The master gratefully gets to work, the clay following his every will,

The clay couldn’t see the grand design but he trusted the master’s skill.

The clay patiently endures as beauty is revealed,

But sculptures tools are sharp, and pain the clay did feel.

“Must the process be so rough?” the clay meekly asked,

“Thou are poking, cutting, ripping, pressing. Is it necessary for the task?”

“Yes my child,” the artist replies, “ thank you for giving me your trust,

I only remove that which is unwanted, and cause pain only when I must.”

The master smiles and says “I have great plans for you.

With your humble trust in me, there is nothing we can’t do.”

The clay replied “I know thou lovest thy creations, and only want our best.

I do not know thy grand design, but I don’t need to know the rest.”

The master keeps on working and today is shaping still,

There is no end to what he can create when we give all and follow His will.

We too are in the Master’s hands, what will we each do

When the Master kindly says, “I have great plans for you.”

I know how I want to answer that question, but actually doing it and putting up with the pokes and pricks is a bit harder ;) But when we can remember the reason for the pushing, pinching, and purifying we don't become bitter or angry. I've sculpted things before and it is completely necessary to remove pieces and cut things away. God is the artist, and can see all the unwanted pieces. And if He wants to change certain things about me, then I should let Him. ;)