Another health finding, maybe the real cause.

Over christmas break I went to see a neurology specialist at the University of San Francisco, and after examination he noticed I have an area of skin that goes from my back on the right side and wraps around my right ribs that has sensory abnormalities, and he suggested a targeted MRI scan of that area of my spine. I heard the results yesterday, and they found a mass on the right side of my spinal cord at T9 and T10.

We don't know if it is a cyst or a tumor yet, it is a little smaller than a centimeter and luckily it isn't pushing into the spinal cord. It is at the base of some of my nerve roots, so that explains the severe right side pain I've been having the past year. We are talking with neuro surgeons on Monday to discuss options. This is actually good news, as we now know the source of the pain. It is also a good sign that I have been sick for a year and the tumor is still pretty small. They think it might have been too small to be noticed on MRIs I had done months ago, I'm very grateful that we decided to check for this. This also probably means that I don't have celiac disease, so I'm pretty excited about maybe getting to eat normal pizza again ;) I'll keep you posted.

A Poem, just in time for Christmas.

Nativity

A babe in a manger, mother resting and tired,

animals looked on while the husband admired.

A few startled shepherds were surprised in the night,

angels above them sang beneath new star light.

Privileged they were when they headed the call

to run to the stable, at Christ's feet they did fall.

Miles and miles far in the east,

kings gathered and studied which way they should seek.

They wanted so badly to find the child fair,

but it took years of searching to finally get there.

In the neighboring inns more lay quite in bed,

not knowing who was born or the path he would tread.

Who would you be, if called to be there,

maybe the mother weary under her load to bear.

Too young and inadequate to raise God's begotten son,

but you have been chosen, His will, not your's, be done.

Then humble and trusting you prayerfully seek

for the strength to accomplish what's been placed at your feet.

Or are you like Joseph, asked to take a role that's not your own,

always standing by the ones you love, helping them down life's road.

Or has chance blessed you, like the shepherds that night,

you recognize God's messengers, leave all and hurry to the sight.

Perhaps you feel so far away from where you want to be.

The wise men searched the hardest, but the new born they didn't see.

It took years before the kings' righteous desire was fulfilled,

but persistence was rewarded, in front of God's Son they kneeled.

Or are you asleep, like those in their beds,

Do you know it was for you that the Christ child lived and bled?

So many blessings are yours to be found,

look and you will find God's love all around.

Like those in the Nativity, Christmas is different for all,

some get to see angels, some stay in lowly stalls.

Some must learn patience as they face years on the road,

others have loads they can't bear on their own.

No matter who or where you are on this year's Christmas Eve,

Let us all remember this: Christ came, died, and lives for you and me.

As I wrote this I realized I've felt a little like all the people in the nativity story. But the important thing is to remember and be grateful for Christ, and God's love. Happy holidays, and Merry Christmas to you all :)

SMA syndrome, and Gluten Free

Sorry its been so long. I had surgery at the end of September to take out my hyper active gallbladder and check for evidence of celiac disease, but the main reason for surgery was to correct something called SMA syndrome. Apparently it is very rare, and it is caused by rapid extreme weight loss. There are certain fat pads in the body that help hold things in place, and I lost the fat pad that held up my superior mesenteric artery. It blocked my intestines, pinching off the duodenum right outside my stomach. I cant remember how much space there was but it was something like less than 8 millimeters. That is why I was never hungry and why I couldn't eat very much at all, unless it is surgically corrected it is permanent and gets serious, as you literally can't eat and you starve. I think it is a miracle that the doctor thought to check for it, he was briefing me for the gallbladder surgery and as I was walking out the door he thought to check for this, on the very small chance that I had it. Tests then showed I had it pretty severely, and I am SOOOOOO grateful that I didn't need to have surgery twice ;)

The surgery was a success but because my nerves are hyper active the pain was difficult to control, I was in the ICU for a few days for pain control and ended up getting an epidural. I always expected surgery to be tough but there are all these things you don't anticipate that made it one of the roughest weeks of my life, I feel for all those out there who have had similar or worse experiences. I'm grateful I didn't know how bad recovery was going to be or I wouldn't have been nearly as excited about surgery haha. I had to withdraw from school last semester, and have been focusing on recovery ever since. The Celiac Disease was confirmed and blood tests showed that I have the type that attacks the nervous system. I have been on that strict diet since October, I've stopped loosing weight (still not gaining), and can eat more than I could before. Surgery fixed some of my bad right side pain, but I still have chronic pain pretty bad. This past week I could tell my energy and physical endurance was a little better, and that is exciting ;)

It has been over a year since I got sick, and it is interesting looking back over the whole year, and see that I didn't "do" much at all. And even though I wasn't able to take classes, I have learned so much. It might be months to years until I am back to normal, but I now do believe that I really will get better. I will rejoice and thank God every day that I wake up without pain for the rest of my life.

So, i'm learning a lot about Gluten free diets! Apparently it is way more common, and its symptoms way more broad than doctors anticipated. The typical blood test is inaccurate over 20% of the time, if you or a loved one is struggling with anything from IBS to fatigue that can't be explained, maybe ask a doctor to think about Celiac disease, and do more than just one blood test. I love suggestions for meals or anything, and I hope in the future to be able to help those diagnosed with this. Hope you all have a great week and enjoy the holidays!

Health Update, and possible explanation (finally!:D)

I received the results from a HIDA scan I had done on my gallbladder, and it was abnormal. Not in the typical sense of having a low ejection fraction, mine was 98% with normal being between 35-50%. The medical field is still studying what really high ejection fractions mean, but it has been the cause of severe pain for other patients, and when they get it removed the organ is diseased and many of their symptoms go away. So, I'm getting my gallbladder removed next week and I AM SO EXCITED!!!! There is also a chance that I have Celiac disease, (gluten intolerance) and that could explain every single other symptom I have, even the neurological ones (who would have thought?) Well -35 pounds and ten painful months later, we might have an answer. I am hopeful.

Why the hardships and suffering?

Hello.

I feel bad, it is easy to be depressing when writing about chronic pain and its effects on life, but I really don't mean to be a downer.

I also don't want to paint a glossy and happy picture, one where faith simply conquers and hope never ever gives in to despair. I'm not saying that faith doesn't always conquer, because it does. Its just that no matter how much faith we have, we still get to taste a little bit of the bitter. And that's the way its supposed to be. "For if they never should have bitter they could not know the sweet" (Doctrine and Covenants 29:39).

I've been in Utah for several weeks, and things are good. I'm a firm believer in having goals to actively work towards, it is when we stop trying that life really becomes meaningless. It is very refreshing to be taking steps forward again. The pain is still there, worse actually, but I suspect that is from being more active than I was at home. I came out here with the hopes of taking 14 credit hours and physically getting stronger and stronger as I walked to and from class. But after trying and failing, I now have a handicap parking pass that has become a necessity. I also had to petition the scholarship committee to let me take less credit hours, and I've very grateful that they approved.

I'm still working on getting to know people again, but it is hard when you look perfectly fine yet hurt so much. I've tried explaining it to a few people, but they see me from the outside and I don't blame them for not taking me seriously. I can barely shower and get to class, so going to all the get-to-know you social events is usually out of the question. And here I go being depressing again. Sorry!

The point is that life is just plain hard sometimes. Not just for me, for everybody. There is so much suffering that goes on in this world. And some poor strong souls seem to only get served the bitter. I have so much in my life that is sweet, no matter how much I hurt I have access to excellent medical care, my family, friends, a warm and comfortable bed, and plenty of food. I met many in Mongolia who have none of those things, PLUS serious and painful health problems. As missionaries the main message that we teach is that "God love us." But many people we taught had a hard time believing that. They saw all the hurt, loneliness, pain and evil around them and found it really hard to believe that anyone loved them, let alone a divine being, one capable of stopping all the hurt in their lives.

While trying to balance my knowledge of God's perfect love for us, and all the seemingly contradictory pain and suffering in the world, I've come to this conclusion. He must see and know something that we don't. He must know that the reward is so beautiful, happy, and perfect that it all will be so worth it. He must know that the lessons we learn are so valuable, so important, so impossible to learn any other way that He lets the hardships befall us. And He must know that we can do it. No parent wants their children to fail. When there is very little else to take comfort in, remember that God does not want you to fail. He won't give you more than He knows you can handle. I have seriously doubted His judgement at times, felt like I'm drowning under all the weight and pressure, but He has never let me slip under.

In His own words as recorded in the Doctrine and Covenants,

"If thou art called to pass through tribulation;

if thou art in perils among false brethren;

if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;

If thou art accursed with all manner of false accusations;

if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age,

shall cling to thy garments, and shall say,

My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us?

O, my father, what are the men going to do with you?

and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison,

and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb;

And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers,

and the sentence of death passed upon thee;

if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee;

if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness,

and all the elements combine to hedge up the way;

and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee,

know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee;

for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever."

- Doctrine and Covenants 122:5-9